Life has not been normal for weeks. Last night I thought I had amnesia or something. Walking around my house I wasn't sure if it was mine or not. I didn't recognize my life. Part of it was that Tobias was talking about American politics. He has NEVER been interested in American politics. He just doesn't care. But he was talking about Sarah Palin. And I thought, "Who is this person in the kitchen? For that matter who am I? Where am I?"
Last week was all about job and childcare hunting. Then we took off for the long weekend to Saltspring to decompress and figure shit out. Despite my rootless feeling last night, I felt I had reached a more sane position in regards to my job search. I felt dispassionate. I felt I could write cover letters, read postings, attend interviews...or not.
This morning a bombshell in my inbox made me realize my dispassion was all posing. In fact, I felt calm and worry-free about the job thing because I had (once again) settled on a job (that I have not yet been offered) and had everything all worked out in my head. I THOUGHT that I wasn't worried about it anymore because I had reached a point of not worrying, when in fact I wasn't worried about it anymore because I had assumed that I would be working at this new job very soon. Then, I found out that probably isn't so...and I started stressing again.
With this information in hand, I will now try to reach that non-worrying point again, but this time make it genuine. I want to say, truthfully "I am comfortable with this uncertainty. I know that everything will be fine. I live in the moment, not in the future. Everything is OK."
Here is a gratuitous photo of my kids on the shuttle bus heading home after the Tribal Journeys canoe landing in Cowichan Bay.
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