Babies, it's 4:30 am. Do you know where your mama is?
You may think she's just in the other room, asleep in bed with Daddy, but CAN YOU BE SURE? Of course you can. Just follow my instructions and you'll be certain to know where your mama is at any time of the day or night.
Step one: Well, obviously, you've got to make sure you wake yourself up during the night in order to keep tabs on mama. Sure, it might be nice to sleep six, seven, or eight hours, but that's a luxury diligent babies can't afford. We need to be vigilant! So, wake up!
Step two: Now that you're awake, it's time to make a little noise. It doesn't have to be a full-fledged wail YET, just some babbling, or maybe a little of that rather annoying moaning sound that sounds a bit like a whale.
Step three: You may already have a visual on mama at this point and if so, skip to step five. If not, it's time to take it up a notch. How loud you want to go is up to you, but feel free to wail, scream, and shout if necessary. Personally, I don't find that I need to take it that far, but then I've got my mama on a pretty short leash.
Step four: Now mama should definitely be in visual range. She may be making reassuring sounds, patting your body, rubbing your head, or she may have even picked you up. How to proceed from here is really an individual choice. Do you feel comforted by a visual identification? Is a little cooing and patting enough for you? If so, well, I guess you can go back to sleep at this point but some babies, and I definitely place myself in this category, really enjoy the complete surety of what is known as the Milk Test. Basically, you need a little taste of mama's milk to be completely certain that she is, indeed, your mama.
In order to get mama to subject herself to the Milk Test, it's necessary to fuss a little. If she's picked you up, squirm in her arms. Say "Unh, unh!" Wrinkle your brow. Shake your head from side to side. If she hasn't even picked you up yet, just keep up the wailing from step three until she does and then start kicking. You can take the rather extreme step of digging your nails into her arm, but this is a little coarse and rather unseemly for gentlebabies, so I try to avoid it if at all possible.
Step five: Mama has now either brought you into the study and settled into the laz-y-boy for the Milk Test, or, if she's feeling tired, she's brought you onto the bottom bunk of your sister's bed, set up the Milk Test and is now trying to get back to sleep herself. By all means let her sleep while you conduct the test if you wish. But if you're in the mood, it's okay to move around or make little noises to prevent her from sleeping. She's too tired at this point to get annoyed, so you basically can kick her belly as much as you want and nothing much will happen. Once the Milk Test is completed, and you feel certain that yes, that is your mama, and not some vile impostor, it's time for a little nap. How long of a nap is again, an individual choice, and mine range from 10 minutes to four hours. Just know that whatever you do, it's fine. You're a baby, and you're the boss. Don't let mama forget it.
