A Big hairy Deal

WHY? WHY? WHY?

The reason we moved to Waterloo in August was so that Fistula could get his Masters degree in Math at the university here. But soon after he started his program, he started to feel like it wasn't worth it. He was working half time and taking two courses and Littleput and I basically didn't see him except at meal times. It sucked, but that's grad school for ya. We could have had him not work at all, and taken out student loans to cover living expenses but he didn't want to do that. The thing is, his going to grad school was completely for his own pleasure. It wouldn't help him in his career, and he didn't plan to use the degree at all. Because of this, he wasn't willing to go into debt for it. And, as he soon discovered, he wasn't willing to sacrifice our family life for it either.

I think it was pretty much decided that he would drop out when my dad came to visit in October.

Now for my feelings on the subject.

I was a little pissed off when Fistula first said he wanted to quit. It was a big hassle moving out here and it's not like Waterloo is my first choice for a place to live. Also, I have this uncompromising, deep-seated belief that you should finish what you start. It's why I finished my godforsaken degree and it's why I spent six years directing my children's choir when three would have been more than enough. While I admit that this probably isn't entirely healthy I still get annoyed at people who just stop doing things they said they would do when they don't feel like doing them anymore.

After my initial annoyance, I felt happy that we would be able to spend Saturdays and Sundays and evenings together once school was over. We just had our first no-paid-work-or-studying-whatsoever weekend and it was bliss.

The big question

The big hairy deal now is why are we still here? If we moved here for school and school is no longer, then why don't we go back home where the living is easy? Well, I was pretty adamantly opposed to moving back home immediately until about three days before the end of my holidays in Victoria. Then I started to get really depressed about returning to Ontario where there's nothing but cold and loneliness. Everyone was asking me why we were going back and my reason didn't seem to satisfy anyone, including myself. My reason - and I am the force keeping us here, Fistula wants to go home - is that I feel like I just started to get a bit of a life going here, and I want to live it for a bit longer before I go home forever. While Fistula was in the basement working away for the last five months, I was out and about trying to make friends and make our house nice and figure out how to live without a lot of help from all the family and friends that have surrounded me my entire life.

I've also had a few really good experiences here and each of them has been worth a month of cold and loneliness. Here's three of them:

1. I went to Toronto to meet Marigold people and got to spend some quality face time with Anna and Denise. If I was living in BC it's unlikely that I would have ever met either of these great women.
   
   
2. I went to Toronto to have dinner at the home of my childhood friend, Clan. I got to meet her puppy and kitten and she got to meet my baby. Any time I get to spend with Clan is very precious to me, because we were so close as children and then we were out of contact for so many years.
   
   
3. Carrot, Audra and Famous Author Lawrence Hill came to visit me. We all chatted at my house for hours, went out for Vietnamese food and had a wonderful time. Lawrence Hill interviewed me for his upcoming book about growing up as a mixed-race person in Canada. It was a very fun and exciting day. Carrot is freaking hilarious, Audra is my lovebuggle and Lawrence Hill is the smartest person on earth.

I'm looking forward to upcoming visits with Mighty Queen in Hamilton and reconnecting with my old friend Reno who I just found out lives in Toronto. I wouldn't be able to hang out with these people if I wasn't here.

As for the despair I felt on the way back to Ontario, it dissipated pretty fast once I was back in my house again free to run around naked and yell and fart if I wanted to.

When I'm having a bad day, my life here can seem empty and my life in Victoria seems full. But when I'm having a good day, my life here seems simple and my life in Victoria seems hectic. I like full but I also like simple and I've never had that before and I want to have it for a bit longer. We'll stay at least another eight months.